Well, another two hour segment, another blog... Man it's boring waiting for classes to be over. Speaking of class...
So far these weeks have been really crazy. I've missed a total of at least three assignments already and I traced the problem back to how bad I was at remembering assignments back in high school. SO I've had to rework the way I keep track of stuff... Sticky Notes! Yes, that's right, I've turned into my mother... I can't beleive it. I really wish I could find a better way, but there really isn't. I just wish I could make up those missed assignments, but as you all know, I'm really bad at talking to teachers. College is SO different from High School.

Current Sticky Notes: (I might do this from time to time)
1. How to get into my voice mail
2. Assignments for RESC 220 (class today)
3. Info on a possible Halloween dance here in Chapman
4. Steven's Phone Number, Dr. G's Phone Number
5. Reminder to send Amber a copy of my Cd (and a dropkick murphy copy)
Attached to that: Reminder of Flogging Molly Concert on Oct. 9
Attached to that: Reminder to meet Steve to pay him for mixing the CD.

I don't know if I'll be doing that every day, probably just when I add a new one. Speaking of which, while writing this post I got some info of the concert and put another sticky note up. God I hate being like my mother...

I guess it's like what I said earlier... I'm everyone of my parents faults rolled into one person. I've got ADHD, bad memory, some kind of heart valve thing (it's not serious, for some reason it could become infected while I'm at the dentist. How I have no idea.) I also have boney knuckles, a shorter that normal tongue, motor control problems...

Yeah, that's right. A while back I figured out that I am, in fact, an artist. I like to make art, the only problem is my lower than average motor skills gives me clumsy hands and horrible handwriting. Sure, I do my best, but it's not nearly enough, considering I never took lessons in art since I was felt I wasn't good enough. Basically over the last two weeks I've figured out a lot about me. I would tell you guys what I've learned but right now my thoughts are quiet together yet.

I miss Ian. I really do. I've never missed anyone quite this much, I jsut feel empty inside. I miss him. I miss his querks, I miss the fun we had, how much we goofed around and didn't care what anyone thought. I miss the band, it was something I was proud of, something a lot of people were proud of. What do I have now that people are proud of? Nothing. No one cares what you did in high school, no one cares that you wrote, directed and acted in your own play. No one cares your into Neopets (by the way I've started to drift away from neopets for some reason. I just can't get into it anymore, I'm far too busy with school work and my current projects) No one cares about my crazy best friend who I found naked my closet that one time. I really miss him, I wish he was still here, I wish he was going to BGSU. If he was we would have hung out everyday, tried out forever play together. Had fun, like we used to... Ian.... Ian was the kind of friend that was just... Unusual. That's what I loved about him, he was different than any other friend I had ever had. No matter what happened you could always count on Ian to do something either really crazy like not bathing for a month just to impress Rachel or something beuatiful like writing a song about his feelings. That's something I cannot do, express my true feelings. I was always envisous of Ian's songs. They were so emotional, they had a message behind them and each one was unique in it's own way. I think if I start another band I'm going to do a few covers of Insane Logic. Which ones I'd do I don't know, I like them all so much. I think the one song I won't do is New Macdonald, it's just becuase it's me and Ian's song. We are the two people that should do it, whether more people sing it or not, Ian and I should be there. BOTH of us.

I'm sorry this is going so long, I just can't seem to find a good stopping point. There's so much I want to put in, but by the time I get to it I've forgotten what I wanted to say. You know, it's funny, back in my senoir year, I never thought I had anything to put in this blog, and even in the summer I hardly put anythign on here but what was MOST important. Now all I want to put in here is the small things, like a real diary I guess. I want to recite my entire day to every detail and I really don't know why. All I know is that I've been becoming increasingly depressed, reading all my friends blogs and writing in my own. Everyone is depressed (except maybe Amber) and all their sadness just makes me realize how miserable I am. Take my brother's blog, http://www.bonelesssboarder.blogspot.com just go there and read it. He talking about how much of a loser he is, and you know, if you're a good friend (brother) you'd be able to tell him he's wrong about himself, but I just can't. He's right, he's lost the person he was... He's become part of this machine, he's no longer an individual on the outside. He just works and sleeps and eats, nothing more. He used to hang out with his skater friends ALL the time, doing who knows what and being out until sometimes early in the morning. Now... Now he works most of the day, sleeps and has only 2 to 3 hours of time to do anything else. I didn't like the old matt, becuase he was never around when all I did was stay home all day. I didn't like him, but now he's never home. At least he was having fun before, now he just works.... I starting to miss my brother...

Well, I've got two hours before my one and only class today, so I've decided to blog... About what? We'll just have to see...

In my last blog I mentioned I didn't have time to discuss some things that bother about that dream, and other dreams I've had. First off, I dreamt that I was in bed, granted I was in bed at the time, but I've never had a dream (that I can remember) where I was actually in the place I fell asleep. Usually the places are completely made up in my mind, or are composites of place I know and made up ones. But this dream I was in MY dorm room. It was the EXACT room, right down to the TV in it's regular place. Now, if your saying "Big Deal, I dream about real places all the time." Then I have to tell you this story.

A while back, how far I can't remember, I had a nightmare. I believe it started out with me getting off a poorly graphical boat that look very Quake II. I distinctly remember seeing characters from the quake series there two. I enter a room and there's the final boss waiting for me. Well, let's just say I was scared (I did say it was a nightmare) and trying to run away I actually got out of bed, and ran to the door. Well, where I thought the door was. Instead I ran into my dresser which had my TV on it. I was still (technically) asleep and I really did believe that the door was in this direction, so... I pulled down the dresser to get to the door which was behind it. Now, if you analysis this story so far, you'd know how BAD this was. Remember? My TV was on top of the dresser I'm pulling down to get away. Well, needless to say I broke the TV. Thankfully for me it was still connected to the wall which kept it from falling on me or smashing on the floor.

Now I bet your saying, "How does this prove your point?" It doesn't... It's just on topic... If you can figure out how this proves my point that by all means tell me, because I'm moving on.

Okay, yes, it's true, I do have hallucinations sometimes. There mostly just sounds right before I go to bed or when I wake up in the middle of the night like hearing the TV on when I turned it off before I fell asleep. I don't know why I hear it, but a lot of times I get really annoyed when I'm trying to sleep and I can't get the TV to turn off (in my head). I used to have visual hallucinations too, a long time ago. I never had the vision twice and they often occurred anywhere from a week to a few months apart. And these weren't your "high on crack" hallucinations, no, they were scary as hell. At least to me they were. But you know, there is a moral to this story. One night, in high school, I had an hallucination of a robotic arm floating above my bed. I hid under the blanket but for some reason I didn't feel safe. So I took a chance, I reached up with my hand and touched it. To my surprise my hand went right through. It was never real (as I'm sure you know) and to this day I've never had another visual hallucination again.

Hmm.... Topic... Topic... Oh, I guess I can mention this dream I had a week ago. It was a really scary The X-files dream. I can't remember how it started but about half way through it had something to do with a train/subway and an abandoned maze of sewers underneath the city. I ventured below for unknown reasons... What I found should have been enough to wake me but for some reason it didn't. What I found was the smoking man, running some kind of experiments on people. It was like a mixture of that one episode where they were looking at that smart kids brain while he was awake and some of silence of the lambs. (Since I haven't seen all of the movie I think it's just what I thought was in the movie) Down in the darkest part of the sewer I found two girls, one young and one old. There were other people too, but I didn't talk to them. The two girls had no hair, in fact, they had no skin on the top of their heads. It was just bone and the smaller girl had no nose too. The smoking man came over and started experimenting on the older one. He sat her down on a chair and just... Opened her skull open like a cabinet. Inside she only had one half of her brain, the right side was intact, but there was on a very small piece where her left brain should have been. The smoking man reached in a pulled out the last piece of the the left side of her brain and she seemed to go immediately retarded and then died. All I can guess was that he was experimenting to see how much of the brain he could remove without the patient dying... It was horrifying but not as bad as the fact that I didn't wake up from it. I've woken myself up for less, but this was different. It was like I wanted to see it, I had a weird curiosity about what was going on... Now that I think about it, the most logical reason that I didn't run away or wake up was becuase I wasn't the one in danger. I wasn't the one being chased or falling, but I was there. I was there, and I didn't do anything... I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I just stood there. I guess in dreams sometimes all you can do is just stand and watch what happens.

So, I've looked deep into my dreams and pulled out some of the more frightening secrets of my past. I've shared them in hope that people can relate to me and help me realize that I am not the only one with these problems. Sometimes I just just feel so alone, like I'm forever cursed to be by myself in my own little world. My own little castle...

Well, like normal I stayed up late last night. It seemed like another night except for one thing, my dreams were very unusual. I can only remember two dreams but they both took place, remarkably, in my dorm room. I was laying on my stomach (in life and in the dream) wearing nothing but a blanket and my boxers. The first dream is not really important, two comedians I like laughing and joking back in forth about "Last Comic Standing" On to the Important dream. So, the comedians transitioned into me just laying on the futon when someone (who shall remain nameless) came into my room and started talking to me. She and I conversed (we obviously didn't care that I was wearing practically nothing) and out of nowhere she jumps on top of me and pulls the blanket over us. So here I am, with this person on my back, and it felt great. I could literally feel her body in contact with mine. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in so long I came to the realization that this was, in fact, a dream. I don't normally realize I'm dreaming, so this was pretty unusual. I could have woken up right then, I could have done anything I wanted (since I knew it was a dream) but I didn't, I just wanted this wonderful feeling to last. And remarkably it did, the impression of two hands on my back remained, even after I glanced down to find that I was, indeed alone in my room. The feeling, the warm feeling lasted for about five to fifteen minutes (maybe even thirty seconds) when I finally drifted into more of a full dreaming state.

All in all, this was a dream I don't want to forget. The only down side is whenever I'm around the person who was in the dream I get really nervous inside. Of course, I always was kinda nervous around her. Ha, I wonder what she'd think if she knew. I would have liked to go into more detail, (like how I sometimes hear the TV on when it really isn't, or the oddity that I had a dream I was in bed... In bed...) but I really don't have the time I won't say anymore about her, I'd hate for her boyfriend to find out...