What? Me... posting twice in one day? How absurd!
Okay, so today I went back to the high school to get rid of the remaining copies of Ian and I's cd. Well, I didn't succeed. Most of the people there either already had one or didn't want one. So instead I went to Dr. G's theater games workshop. It was fun and afterwards I pretty much hung out with poeple until I came back here at around 6. And THAT'S the recap of today... Now on to some ore emotional stuff...
I was just reading up on everyone's online journal and stumbled acorss my brother's. If you didn't know already, here's the news: my brother's social and I'm pretty sure his mental state has been going steadily down hill ever since... a long time, but mostly since he got a job. He just hasn't been himself ever since, and he's been trying to analyse his situation. His latest explanation is mulitple personalities, and he actually gave them names in his last blog entry. When he's mean he is "white berserker", quiet and sad is "shadowinthewinds", and the "third" part, the one that writes in his blog is called "theifslayer" of these being AIM screen names he had. The part that worried me the most was not these three but the one he calls "bonelesssboarder" for which he claims "Unfortunately, we have not heard from him in a while. We lost him... I guess he is still out trying to find himself. I just don't know. I have no doubt that he will be back, but when is anyone's guess."
That is what hit me, that is why I'm writing this blog entry. He is gone. I haven't seen him in a LONG time. Bonelesssboarder was his him, he was simply matt, no cares, no worries, no other faces to the box. I truely do miss him, this three faced thing is just a shell, an empty void. He's lost what he was, his inner most self. He lost his essence, and I don't think he did it by accident. And here's my anology...
Matt was this person that hung out with his friends all the time, he had fun and was expressive. Even while at penta he kept close to his friends. But he, like everyone, is not complete. They're always missing something and he tried to find that sometime. First it was his job, I don't know whether being at work helps him feel better but in the process of gaining something new, he gave up something too... His friends... He doesn't hang out with them very much. He lost one of the most important things in life, not money, but people. That is where Bonelesssboarder was lost. Bonelesssboarder was only alive becuase of the friends matt had, without them he just faded away... And then Tracy came... I'm not saying it's her fault, the fault lays on matt alone (he shouldn't have dated her at all). Matt's relationship with Tracy only cuased a downward spiral that sent Matt into his alternate selfs, an angry one, a shy one, and what was left of Bonelesssboarder, his conscience. These three sides of his being were always there, but before only one was predominate (his conscience) whereas now the other two hold most of the control. I know, I was in a situation like his once before...
A long time ago I wasn't very popular, I was very shy and didn't smile ever... I tried not to. I don't know why... I just did. See, during that time only the shy part of me came out, the other two were there, but no where near as predominate as shyness. Eventually I got into theatre and the shy part of me started to lose control and the other two started to take more and more of it. At first my conscience or sense of fun came out, slowly at first, through junior high and freshman year. This was all the public saw I'm afriad, in a more private setting Shy and Anger were becoming more powerful, small at first, then bigger. For example: around sophmore year I became so stressed that I let my anger out... It started small, I contacted someone that didn't know who I was on AIM. They were freaked out on the info I had on them and to me started panicing. This felt great, to be in control of someone else. So I expanded it, eventually I created new screen names and new people to be as well as expanded the number of people I would "torment" I look back on this time as one of my darkest times, and I hope that nothing like this ever happens again. The only other time I can think of a time when anger got in control is with me and Emily. Just something about her brought out the worst in me. Luckily now anger has taken a third row seat to shy and conscience. My conscience now controls the majority of my decisions although shy does make an appearance every now and then...
So I've found the balance of my three "alter-egos" one that allows me to live life to the fullest.... I just wish matt can find his balance... Before he does something drastic in an attempt to "balance" himself. It took me a long time to be who I am now, it took you a long time to become who you are, it will most definately take a long time to become who you were again.... Oh yeah, matt... you never lost Bonelesssboarder, he's still there. You just need to find him, he won't come otherwise.
