I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry for that. Since my last post things went great but just this week it took another nose dive. I'm starting to realize just how unimportant and worthless my life really is. Ever since High School I've been taking a real good look at my life, considering where I'm going and how I'm going to support myself. I've come to the realization that I will never succeed in life, and I will never be able to support myself. I'm a loser. I have ADHD, bad memory, low-self esteem, and an fear of other people bordering on an axieidy disorder. I have no job, no goals, and no hope of changing things for the better. You may say that I can turn it all around if I concentrate and put my mind to it, but you know what, your words are just words, nothing more. Words can't change things, they especially can't change me. I'm here at this college only because it is the next logical step after High School. But that's not enough. You have to have the drive to succeed and push yourself to become what you want to be. I don't know what I want to be! I just want to be me! I want to stay the complicated and utter failure that I am, and I know that I am as good as I'm going to get.
I can't make it in the real world, I just can't. Everything about me stands against me when I try. I can't act normal, my ADHD prevents me from staying with one particular thing for a period of time. My fear of people prevents me from ever interacting with normal society. My low-self esteem prevents me from ever correcting these serious social problems. Social problems is what it all comes down to, I have serious problems with not only society but myself. Wouldn't you hate it if you knew you had problems that you could never fix no matter how you try? I'm worthless. It's not like I feel like I contribute something to society, because I do. The thing is that I feel like I do contribute something, but what I contribute is so small, so insignificant that even if I did not exist the world would go on normally. I used to think that the things I was most good at was my acting and my writing, but those views have changed since I came to college. At the beginning of the year I came with high hopes of being a great actor here, as I was in High School, but I've come to realize that I am not a great actor. The only one who taught I was one was me. I was in one acting class and one play. In the acting class I tried to do everything because I felt like I was the best one in the class, sometimes placing myself above the teacher in experience. When the class was over I came out as I went in, a nobody who did everything possible and received none of the credit.
Upon this realization I started to look upon my writing as it was the only other part of me that made me happy. I thought of my stories as imaginative and creative outlet for my soul, but that too has gone unnoticed by others. I can only come to the conclusion that just as I am not a great actor it is only a matter of time before my incompetence as a writer is realized.
As my incompetent and illogical mind ran over and over the facts, I came across a small piece of... There's no real word to describe it or I am not aware of such a word, but several thoughts did cross my mind as I dove deeper into my misery. Here they are:
1. Matt, stop being so depressed, you have a job. You earn an income and because of this you can do whatever you want. You are successful which makes you better than me. It is I who should be depressed, not you.
2. If my writing is to be under appreciated there is only one way to make a last stab at greatness. I must write a story so great that it can only be true. I mean that I would write the story of my eventual suicide, not the suicide itself, but the events and thoughts occurring just before the suicide. It seems like a great story to write, one of great sorrow and also great heart. If I ever start writing this story, it would probably be a good idea to keep a close watch on me...
3. Why was I born, why was I made? If there is a God out there, what the hell was he thinking when he created me? What purpose do I serve? He gave me life, but nothing else to aid me in that life.
4. You must seek help, it will not seek you. I've been told that over and over, and you know what, the words have sunk in a way that completely fails at their intent. "You must seek help..." Means that you have to go out and find help or you will never be great. But for me it means you have to find people... People... People are what I'm most afraid of finding. I'm afraid of new things, of the possibility that I will be yelled at or scolded because, well, when I was young I was scolded a lot for things I thought were normal. These affected me so much that the thought of being scolded scares the crap out of me, I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. I'm a lonely, pathetic person with no backbone and no courage. If there's the chance that things won't go exactly as I want them to I get the incredible feeling of anxiety. Some people classified me as procrastinating, but truthfully it's anxiety that keeps me from succeeding.
I'm leaving the comments on, I don't know why. As I said earlier, words are words and they can't help me. I've heard them before and they come and come without making a difference.
