I started this blog at 2:26

You know what, I was going to go into depth about this, but since pop-up blocker is a bitch and made me lose the first blog when I tried to spell check. I tried out for one of the new plays, Lysistrata, and got called back. It was directed by my theatre 141 teacher so I figured I had a better than average shot at getting it. Of course this didn't stop me from giving it my all during call backs, but I figured since in class I WROTE, directed, and acted in the play we performed that I could get some part. Call backs happened and they were the absolute worst. I was there for three and a half hours and I only acted for about fifteen to twenty minutes. My friend who I had acted with was there, Nick, as well as Doug who I'd hardly seen since we graduated. I thought about how great it would be to be in a play with both of them, Doug, Nick and I acting together and goofing around back stage.

Well the cast list was posted at 8 this morning and today spaced about it until I went to class at one where to the first order of business was to congratulate two of the people in the cast for getting into the other play, Children of Eden. When someone asked if any one in the class had gotten into lysistrata the TA said no. I couldn't believe it. After class I went and check for myself and sure enough my name wasn't even on the list. Both Doug and Nick were cast (nick is the main male character) but not me. I still can't believe it. What did I do wrong? I tried my best, I sat through the most boring call-backs I had ever been to and for what? Nothing!

You know? It's the story of my life. You do everything you possibly can, and you get no credit for it. It happened in high school, it's happening here. I worked my ass off for Ian's and my play, I did sets, publicity, acting, directing, I did EVERYTHING! But when it came to receive my credit, I got nothing. The only thing I received was a piece of paper with the words "second place" in shiny letters from someone I've never heard from. And that was just for writing the play.

I just feel like I've been left out. I'm an outcast, the kind that you never hear about. You know, outcasts are capable of great things, you just have to look for them. I guess I'm just a suffering artist. You know, over the past semester, when we performed our play in theatre class, the only thing I ever wanted was for someone to ask "Who wrote it?" so I could say it was me, and then they'd say I did a good job and I would be happy. But no, no one ever compliments me on my work, no one ever admires me. I'm just... A loser. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to get up and try again to get noticed, to be admired. I have to make the next thing better than the previous thing, and the next thing better than that until I finally become recognized as someone great. Either that or I am doomed to forever be a nobody with nothing to show for myself but failure.

I'm at the point now where I'm filled with emotion, mostly sorrow and anger and self pity. I keep questioning my worth as a person. Where do I fit in? What am I supposed to do with my life now? It's falling apart. I don't want to be a math teacher, I want to be in the theatre, but how can I when I can't get into a simple play? How can I become an accomplished playwright if I can't get my work acknowledged?

If I become a Math Teacher, I can definitely get a job, but I won't be happy. If I choose the Theatre I may never find a job, but if I do I will be happy. What do I choose?

Also, with all these things running around in my head, some thoughts and memories keep rising to the surface over and over. I've made a list of some of them, think about them if you want... They're really get some things I want to get off my chest.

1. My father, when I mentioned that my grade in English is dependent on the five essays I had to write said to me "But you're good at writing." I corrected him saying "I'm good at writing Stories. These are essays."

2. For some reason two songs keep ringing in my head over and over. Some times it's "The General" by Dispatch. Which is a song I like. But the other one is "California Dreaming" and I can't figured out why that song in particular.

3. Lastly, I've noticed that I've been thinking about suicide a lot. Specifically, if I were going to kill myself, how and why would I do it? For the how I have yet to come up with but for the why I have thought of many things. Back when I was younger and thought about suicide, the answer was simple, I wouldn't commit suicide simply becuase I was too unmotivated to do it. I had no reason to kill myself and that was that. But now when I think about it, I start seeing reasons why I could. I can't function in normal society, I just can't. I try to picture myself doing normal things like meeting people, renting an apartment/buying a house, finding a good job but I can't! I can't see myself doing any of these things. These things seem impossible to me and that really bothers me. It's the same problem with the how. I try to picture myself commiting suicide in so many ways but I can't see myself doing any of the them. I wouldn't overdose, I wouldn't cut myself, I wouldn't jump off a building, I wouldn't buy a gun and pull the trigger, I can't picture myself doing any of these.

4. Am I just trying to get attention? Why? Why would I talk about killing myself if I have no want to go through with it? I... I...


I finished this blog at 3:22