You thought you'd seen the last of me? HA! I've come back for one last rant! And this one WILL be my last one!
About everyone who read my blog entry reacted badly to my emotions about Tracy. My brother, my ex-girlfriend, the only one who didn't react badly was Tracy but she doesn't seem to ever had read it. Although I know she had to have. So is she ignoring what I wrote, what I felt? I can't believe that, I won't accept that. And no, I'm not going to start stalking her, I'm not obcessed. Or at least not THAT obcessed. She said we need to talk about it, but we never do. My only options left are to plaintly come out in the open with my feelings, or lock them away... I let them out once in this blog and all I got was grief and anger, and I won't go through that agian. So I'm only left with one thing to do, lock away that one emotion away, but it's not that simple. You can't immagine how complex that emotion is, it can't be locked away like a unpleasent image... It will probably be on my mind for a long time, but I refuse to talk about it anymore. There's only one thing I CAN do... Never blog again, a return to the old is in order. You see, after I got my blog there was a part where I never discussed my feelings to ANYONE. It was the loneliest time of my life but with all these feelings i have now expressing them is only making my life worse. I can't express anything without hurting someone and not blogging can't hurt anyone... anyone but me that is. I'm going to leave now, whether or not I come back is up to me and those that care for me. Good bye... to not just me, but my feelings... The rantings are over...
Duke's Tower
Why am I trapped in this castle? I've been here for so long, it's big and cold and I only have myself for company. Sure, people visit, but all they find is what I've left behind, carved into the walls and floors. No one ever sees the real me, no one ever tries. But I still try to show them, show them the way I am inside. The way I am inside this shell, a shell that little by little is cracking away, revealing the true me. But would you show yourself if YOU were full of cracks?
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Well, I geuss my last Blog cuased some reprecussions I wasn't expecting... So I guess there's only one thing I can do, Nothing! If I can't express my feelings then there gonna locked up inside. Well, blogging has been fun and I'll miss ranting... Good bye everyone! You won't be seeing me again!
Monday, July 05, 2004
I feel a long one coming one... I've been three days with little time by myself doing all kinds of wild and crazy things. First things first, I've been spending a lot of time with Kevin. I don't mean a couple of time over the past few weeks, I mean A LOT OF F**KING TIME! He seems to call about once a day asking to hang out and frankly, he's turning into someone like Maggie. You know what I mean, someone who just won't leave you alone. I think he sees me like a male influence and I'm flattered that he chose me, but I need time by myself! I can't entertain him every day, I don't have the energy or the money to do that. And one more thing, Kevin is obsessed with Halo. It's the topic of choice with him. Yeah, Kevin, I love Halo too, but my life doesn't revolve around it! I don't weave it into everything I'm doing! Take for instance the anime I wrote (scroll down to read the summary) There's nothing in there that even remotely involves Halo, then I talked to Kevin about it, and EVERY suggestion he gave to improve it was HALO! HALO! MASTER CHIEF! HALO! "What if the master chief came out in this part and just blasted the bad-guy with a shotgun!" Sure his suggestions were funny... For a while. After that they got very stupid and he started revolved MY story around COPYRIGHTED characters from a video game/book series! And I'm thinking, okay that's a cool idea but we can't ACTUALLY have Halo stuff in my anime! Maybe stuff like Halo stuff, but not the REAL thing! And that's what he wanted! He wanted me to meld my anime with his FAVORITE thing in the world. I think I'm going to cut all the new stuff I've added and go with the summary listed in my previous blog. Sorry Kevin, you're fun to hang out with and you have some great ideas (sometimes) But I get finally say, and there's nothing you can really do about it.
Back to the last three days. Friday was the night of Amber's big anime party and I had spent the night before at Kevin's so we spent that day together too. We got to Amber's and I had dress like a vampire to impress a certain someone while Kevin wore MY trench coat and MY hat pretending to be who knows what. I enjoyed my outfit, even though I think it went unnoticed by one it was intended for... Anyway, Amber's party was fun, we swam in her pool and waited for everyone to get there. By the time Tracy got there Ian and I were already out of the pool and dry but I because I like hanging out with Tracy I got back in anyway. We played a game where the person who was "it" had to close their eyes and find someone in the pool (I forget what it's called) and I have to say I find myself pretty good at it. (How's that for arrogant?)
After the pool game we all went inside and tried to pick the anime for the evening. Everyone got really mad at me because I had forgotten Puny Puny Poemi at Kevin's, but to tell the truth I don't remember ANYONE telling me to bring it in the first place. Not even Kevin who apparently knew and spent the last two days with me. We finally decided on Cannibal: The Musical which isn't an anime but I enjoyed it all the same. The only thing that bothered me was that Tracy seemed so down that night... I feel so bad for her, I just want to help in some way but I can never think of what to say to her. I try to understand her problem but I can never seem to grasp it. I don't know why too, I want to help but I just feel unable to do anything that will do good and not send her farther into her depression. I desperately want to help, there's just something that says "stop" deep inside me whenever I want to comfort her. Call it insecurity, call it guilt, I don't know. All I know is that it's there and it's not easily disposed... (I'll get more into this on day three)
That night we all went up to Amber's room and played Strip Spoon and... I lost. There I was, in nothing but boxers and most everyone close to being naked too. I made a bet with everyone that if I lost the turn I'd trim my public hair and shave... Something else. You know what happened the next turn, I lost. Tracy said she'd check if I had or not and I really didn't know whether or not she was joking... So I did, well I trimmed my hair but I haven't gotten to shaving... My ass. The thing is that I only know how to use and electric razor and I'm uneasy using that in uh... Such a hard area to reach, yah. Moving away from that topic, and back to where I was, by the time things quieted down almost everyone was in nothing but their underwear. Kevin was too, and you know what, he wouldn't leave me alone. I was trying my best to possible get some with a certain someone but I could never get close without Kevin budding in and ruining it. I was nervous enough without having to keep him away in the nicest way possible (although I'm a good actor so I probably played it off pretty well). Let's just say I didn't succeed... At all... Not even a little... In fact, I did some stuff that apparently did the opposite effect without even knowing it. Sorry, (person who I hope knows I'm talking about them), for doing anything to offend you, I honestly didn't know I was doing anything at all. I try to be a good friend, and not to offend or hurt in any way, I guess to much of a caveman to realize how useless I am.
That night I slept alone, next to Kevin's foot with only my boxers on. A lot more went on that night, Tracy got a new "toy", Amber won at spoons, but all I got out of it was mixed feelings and memories. In the morning Ian, Kevin, and I left with our goodbyes and tried to find out way back to Bowling Green which proves one thing: I am not good at directions. We ended up in Henry county before we realized we'd gone the wrong way. We left early 'cause Ian said we had a gig that night, here's the story:
Sometime last week two showed up at Ian's house and heard him and Steven practicing in the garage. They helped themselves to trying out Ian equipment and told them that there was this event going on in grand rapids Saturday night that he could come to with his band. They told him to bring what equipment he could and that they'd provide things like a drum set and mics. So Saturday came and I went home at 1:30 in the afternoon to take a shower and head right back to Ian's house. After I got that I ended up being roped into all these chores and actually spent NO time practicing with them when we were supposed to practice the WHOLE day. They came and got me at 7 and we headed out to Grand Rapids. We got to town and asked the directions to Henry County Road 1. The girl behind the counter said "you going to Dave's Party?" So... I'm thinking We're going to play at someone's like birthday party and how did she know about the party? Turns out it was a party that they through for Dave (the richest guy in grand rapids) and when we pulled up the guy who invited us just said, "Oh my God, I can't believe you showed up." THEY DIDN'T EVEN DISCUSS IT WITH THE PEOPLE HOLDING THE PARTY BEFOREHAND! Luckily the guy running the show was probably the coolest guy you'll ever met and he was really friendly. The only thing wrong with the party ('cuase we had a great time) was the fact that guys who invited us were part of the local band and they held it above us the whole time. They were a "rock" band... I hate screamers. I think you know what I mean. We went on after the guy running the show (Eli) and the kids who invited us played some oldies. They were fun to listen to and I really enjoyed it. When we went on everyone was pretty much drunk so after a few songs this one guy in a black shirt shouted out bands for us to cover. I told that we didn't do covers and after much insistence on the subject we finally played our one and only cover, Old McDonald had a farm... We had a lot of fun onstage but I looked over and we were getting the cut signal from some old lady (drunk) and we cut it short. She didn't let up though and yelled for us to do some rock, so we played Death River (my original). When we finished she yelled "play some rock" to which I replied, "That was the rock, there is no more rock than that." She seemed disappointed. When the other band when on we listened from out on the tramp nearby and I have to say that they're condescending attitude was misplaced. We were better than them, a lot better! The vocals sucked, but we kept our mouths shut and told them they were good anyway. After a while Eli started some karoke going and it pretty much spiraled down into a crazy, yet fun time. That drunk guy in the black to sing along with whatever the guys were playing while I tried too. I definitely smoked him, and he actually admitted it when we left. Near the end the drunk old lady came back and actually told us to get off the stage for who knows why. We left that night with good feelings and our ears ringing. It was one of the best gigs we've ever done, even though no one knew we were coming! I did learn something, when I'm on stage, I just take off and become a totally different person. It's a great feeling being on stage and knowing, KNOWING that your impressing people and they like you, it's a truly great feeling.
Day three, a.k.a. today (yesterday). This morning I woke up and because it was Sunday and I usually work on internet stuff on Sundays, I took my ADHD medicine so I could focus. No such luck on the work. I got downstairs and Ian and Alex called. They insisted on me coming over and somehow Tracy got roped into coming too. So we arrived at Alex's and I played video games while Tracy slept on the hallway floor and we all watched Fight Club while Tracy slept on the floor. Tracy WAS sleeping on the chair but she got up and I took the chair while we tried to pause the movie on a spot where Tyler flashes for a second. I didn't mean to be mean to Tracy by taking the chair, I just couldn't stand the floor. I guess it was pretty selfish, but if she HAD asked me to move I really would have, all she had to do was ask. Tracy left earlier than we did, her parents had planned something for the fourth of July while we just went and say the fireworks at the university. Ian, Matt, Alex, and I pretty much talked for most of the time until Tracy called and said that she and Cassie were gonna join us... Which they did... And once again I felt the urge to talk to her, but once again that feeling came back that made me too nervous to talk and therefore I said little. Not to mention Alex's annoying behavior distracting me. Twice he hit Ian, Matt, and I in turn in the chest. On the second time I punched him back in the stomach and he didn't do it again. But that didn't stop him from being an immature child, always saying the wrong thing. It looked to me like everything that happened just kept bringing Tracy down and eventually Alex drove her away and she went to her car and sat in the car. I figured this would a good a time as any to go and talk to her. I got out of the back of the truck and walked over to her car and sat down on the other side of the hood. I got less than 45 seconds before Alex and Kevin came running up yelling about a sandal. After that EVERYONE found their way to the hood of the car and I got stuck there. I knew then that there was no way I could get alone with Tracy that night, it was a useless endeavor with current company. Alex, Ian and Kevin continued to goof around even though I wasn't really in the mood. I played along but I always kept looking back to where Matt and Tracy had sat down on Matt's truck cab and I could somehow feel she was just out of my reach, something to admire but never have... She seemed so sad yet there was NOTHING I could to cheer her up. I curse my silent ways, I never learned to "small talk" and I always thought I was pretty bad at comforting people but I always got by fine. But now I feel COMPLETELY useless and the feeling is almost eating away at me. What am I supposed to do with these feelings I have for her? I could repress them, but then our friendship would most likely dissolve. I would show them, but everytime it comes out wrong and I feel like a fool. There are so many missed opportunities, so many wasted chances because of me... She's been more than there for me, and I find myself unable to return the favor. What should I do!? What should I say!? I don't know... And find that "I don't Know" is probably the most commonly used sentence in my vocabulary. What kind of life is that where you can't make even the simplest decisions for yourself? Unable to express yourself but in the rarest of times that only come every so often and never at the right time, that is my life. Going back to an earlier blog, whether I can feel love for another human being or not I may never know, but there are SO MANY other emotions besides love that I DO feel... The shell I put up around them can't hold them back forever and eventually I do HAVE to feel them. But feeling these emotions is hard, they can be so confusing at times their indescribable in words and since I'm no artist words are ALL I have to work with... I COULD try actions (they do speak louder than words) but I wouldn't know where to start, I'm no Romeo and I don't pretend that I am. So what am I supposed to do!?