Well, once again I felt the need to write down what's going on in my life thus far. Heh, maybe I'll even talk about my "feelings" too... We'll see...

tonight's my last choir concert of the year, HURRAY!! Not. Ever since Cabaret got over I've had this strong feeling that I don't want to be in choir anymore. Don't get me wrong, I like to sing, a lot. But I just can't stand this concert. (And for the following remarks, I'm sorry if you get offended) This is the last concert of my Senior year and it's dedicated to "all those cancer survivors" because some guy I've never heard of donated a crap load of money to the Choir. EVERY BODY JUMP FOR JOY! Let me tell you something, last year, when we did "Fiddler on The Roof" Mr. Brown spent $20,000 out of the Choir fund on it. "wow, he spent a crap load of money, they must need some more." NO!! He miraculously made it all back with the payouts from the show. SO WE HAVE $20,000 FOR A FACT! Why do we need any more!? And weren't we supposed to get new Choir robes? What happened to those? The current ones are falling apart! Where's all this money going, it doesn't cost THAT much to have a concert...

By now you may have said, "It's going to cancer survivors." (or it's just so I can lead on to the next topic) Anyway, when Mr. Brown announced that we were giving away the proceeds to Cancer survivors he asked the Question "Who here has been touched by cancer in some way? Whether directly or through a loved one?" It may surprise you but I did NOT raise my hand. I haven't! I have not had any family members with cancer, I've never visited with someone who did! I know nothing about, and nothing made me stick out more than when the entire choir raised a hand... except me. What's more, they brought in people to talk to us... I don't want to talk to them! Wait...

believe or not I feel like a prejudice redneck for saying that. There's something you don't see everyday, a revelation in the middle of a blog. I just realized that the only reason I'm angry (which I am) was because I was afraid. Afraid of Cancer Survivors. (I'll tell you this, nothing burns deeper in my brain but to just say "Stop! This is gonna get way to personally and you really don't want to talk about right") I'll also day this... FUCK IT! I'm gonna talk about it anyway, screw you brain! I need to get it off my chest.

I am afraid of Cancer Survivors... I don't know whether it's because I've never had to think about it before, considering I've never dealt with cancer before, or that I'm just scared/grossed out by the fact that they're missing limbs/organs. (yes, that's very mean and I should be ashamed. I know! Get off my back) It's just that it's something new, and I've never been very good with new things, especially when they involve people and talking. I hate being with people I don't know, maybe not hate maybe just scared and nervous. I like to be with my friends, and believe it or not, my brother. He's just always been there, whether he's helping or not it's good to have someone there. I do enjoy my privacy and being by myself, but when I'm around new people or just the possibility of new people I nervous and just want to go home and do something else. I bet your saying I have an irrational fear of meeting people. But let me tell you, there's nothing irrational in my mind about it, I'm simply a inwardly focused person. In fact if I wasn't typing this up, if I was directly in front of you having to speak to you... a person... I don't think I would have gotten this far... I probably would have quit after "I'm afraid of Cancer Survivors..." And gotten very quiet and looked down a bunch. Like a scared little rabbit that one step to far into unknown territory. I'm very much like that rabbit, I have no idea what will come next. Whether or not these Issues burning inside be (like the unknown territory of my mind) will be resolved or just set to bottle up until you find me in a Pyschiatric ward somewhere living out my play...

Oh god, I just shivered at the thought... The thought that all the problems in my life will one day drive me insane from the inside out... That I will never overcome these problems... And I still have to get a job... New people... People I've never met... All expecting to do things correct and giving me all these responsibilities that I may or may not be able to handle. The pressure seems to great sometimes... And can't even begin to think about what I will do when ALL my friends move away to college this summer and I'm left to find new friends... New friends... The words bite at my fingers... "WHY!? Why NEW friends? The old one's were the best I've ever had... I don't to find new ones, I want to keep the old ones! Please let me keep the old ones!"

No one answers... Nothing but silence... Maybe there's answer because I don't believe in God... I hope not...